i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
