Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
