Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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