Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
