I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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