You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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