The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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