My nipple is on Facebook.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
