I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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