u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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