My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
