Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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