but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
