this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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