no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
