Can i not drive my cunt home
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
