If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
