i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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