I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
3 2 1 whiskey
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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