Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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