I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
