There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
