uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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