Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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