she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
