She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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