I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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