some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
