i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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