Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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