i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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