I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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