Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
