Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
