Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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