I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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