I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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