I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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