did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
