In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
