I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
