I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
