my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
