I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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