So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
