How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
