I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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