Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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