At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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