Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
