I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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