and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
