I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you mean i was at the winter classic?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize