Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
