someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
