How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize