Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
