I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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