My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
