Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
